lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
