I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
