no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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