Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
