I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
This baby is an asshole
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
