I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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