my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
