my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
