Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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