to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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