Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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