she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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