I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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