I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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