my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
