Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
