Can i not drive my cunt home
My hand turned me down
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
