Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
