he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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