meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
