Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
