Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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