Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well