my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
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I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.