Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.