I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
