Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
