i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he puts the penis in happiness.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
