Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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