this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
