You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
