I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
