I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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