Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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