and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
