I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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