totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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