The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Boobs are out for the taking
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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