Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
