Yo dont text me then not text me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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