dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
