I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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