remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
