oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
