i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
