Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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