I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
