I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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