i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
