my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
