one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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