so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
