Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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