I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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