I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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