The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
