Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
