I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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