See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
