What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
