College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm like, not good at living.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
