The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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