Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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